By Elisabeth H. Sanders-Park, CWDP, JCTC
Tough Transitions Expert – Career Thought Leaders Consortium
President – WorkNet Solutions
Email:
Twitter: www.Twitter.com/elisabethspark
Linkedin: www.LinkedIn.com/in/elisabethharney
Phone: 951-682-4881

So often, dynamics like fear, past damage and lack of self-esteem rear their heads in the job search and career development processes. When people begin to hope, re-envision their future, make changes or move forward, these dynamics can sabotage them. Let’s look at self-esteem. There are workshops, books, support groups and more on the topic. And perhaps some of them help. But our experience is that sustained self-esteem comes from within, and that getting people “pumped-up” emotionally or using techniques that only work when we are in the room is a misuse if time.

We have discovered that helping to build clients’ self-esteem is an on-going, every day practice that is more “reality check” than “hype session”. The truth is that no one lives as long as your clients have lived without doing or becoming something worthy of esteem (whether they’re 15 or 55). No one does what your candidates have done, survives what they have survived, thrives where they have thrived… without doing or becoming something worthy of esteem. Our greatest success in building client self-esteem occurs when we simply help them recognize who they already are and what they’ve already done that is worthy of esteem, and helping them see it, believe it, feel it, own it.

Granted, you may work with people who have made such terrible mistakes or are so resistant to the idea that they have value that it is difficult to find much to hold up to the light, but do it anyway. Sure, it’s easier to do a cheery group in which clients are lavished with compliments, positive accolades, and your high hopes for them, but that fades quickly and can leave people worse off than before, and it erodes your credibility. Our road to building self-esteem may be tougher and a bit longer. It does require you to get up-close, and you will likely have to respond to people’s self-loathing, which is often well-developed, well-articulated and doled out with great passion… but it’s worth it. If you can help them discover even a thing or two that is redeemable about them and worthy of esteem (and we all have it), and help them own it, guess what? No one can take it away from them, and it can become the small foundation on which they can dare to hope, lift their chin and look to the future, hear what you say, make a new choice, and so much more.

Here are a couple of practical techniques we use on groups and one-on-one to help people experience the reality that there is something about them, perhaps a whole lot about them that, is worthy of esteem:

Let Them Be Right. Avoid making people “wrong”. We’re all adults here, and this puts up walls that stunt the results we’re trying to achieve. Ask open-ended questions that allow for ideas or discussion. Avoid terms like wrong, bad, stupid, or incorrect, and try saying, “that’s one option”. Pull what is helpful and on-target from the answers you get, then gently re-direct the discussion toward the answer you are looking for. Reinforce the idea you want them to remember at the end of a discussion, just after a break, or at the end or start of a workshop.

Set Them Up To Be Successful. Discover what they are good at and have them do it often, whether in a group or as part of their individual investment in their own career development. This allows you to give honest praise. Make sure the investments they have chosen to take-on are things they can realistically get done. If they are failing to show-up, participate or complete their investments, look for and reduce fear, teach the needed skills, or have them take it in smaller steps.

Treat Them With Respect. It is amazing how healing it is to be in a place where people value your opinion, think you are smart enough to make decisions, treat you like an equal, and do the small things that make you feel like a valued customer, such as using your name, offering you coffee, smiling and shaking your hand in greeting, and introducing you to people who enter the room, etc. For people who have never been in the workforce, or felt like they were pushed-out, these small things can increase self-esteem, and gear-them up for the interview and world of work. And, of course, do not be disrespectful. Never ridicule or discount their decisions. Don’t say, or write in an email or file, anything you don’t want them to know. We have techniques for saying the hard things, but it is done with respect and in partnership with the client (see my article on Talking About the Tough Stuff, September 2007).

Allow Them To Be the Expert. We all have expertise in some area, so look for the helpful expertise they bring and can share. For example, someone may know a lot about where to get resources for cheap or free, a field or industry they used to work in, how to convince people on the phone, how conditions of parole work, etc. Have candidates share, and give them credit for what they offer to the group and program, and what they teach you. If you use their idea or shared it with someone else, mention it to them. Ask them to help other people in areas where they are strong. Ask their opinion. In front of a group, ask permission to use their good work as an example of “how it’s done”; even if they are too shy to give permission, they will be impressed with themselves because you asked.

Put It In Writing. A good Skills Resume that clearly proves the client can do the job is one of the best self-esteem tools around. Even if they have never held the job before, have wacky work history, have never had a paid job in the legal economy, or gained all their skills overseas or in prison… if they can do the job, and you prove it by listing true things about them that make them stand out in a crowd, they will feel good about themselves and their chances of getting hired (see my article Mining for Gold in the Dark, January 2007). By the way, a poorly written resume can reinforce a lack of self-esteem and make the job search longer and more painful. We help each client develop a resume to prove they can do the job they are pursuing, and over the years, many have been moved to tears of joy because they can hardly believe they are the person on the paper.

However you approach it, remember that self-esteem is something we bring out in people as they recognize the talent and value they have already proven they have.

This article appeared originally in the Career Planning & Adult Development Network Newsletter.