Davia Temin, President of Temin & Co. and former head of Corporate Marketing for General Electric Capital Service, remembers the exact moment she realized “almost everything is negotiable if you see it that way.” When she got out of business school, she accepted her first job as Assistant to the Director of Development at the Columbia Business School without really negotiating. She saw the offer as a choice, not a negotiation– you either took the job or you didn’t. It never crossed her mind that she could negotiate the offer.

While working at Columbia, however, she saw something that changed her view of the world. She had always assumed that when you applied to business school if you didn’t get in, you went to another business school or did something else. A few students, however, when they were rejected sought out the Director of Admissions and asked what they could do to change her mind. To Davia’s amazement, the Director did not simply send them away. She told them if they took four semesters of Advanced Calculus and Statistics and got an A in each, she would admit them. A handful of students actually did and were admitted. At that point Davia realized that “way more things were negotiable than she had previously thought.” So she decided to learn how to negotiate.

When asked, many women will tell you they don’t like to negotiate or are not good at it. They often believe that to be a good negotiator, they have to be tough, be aggressive, employ negotiating tricks and try to outsmart their opponent. So when they have to negotiate, that is what they try to do. It usually doesn’t work. Many women are simply not comfortable with that style of negotiating, preferring a more “Collaborative Negotiating Style.” Because many women have not learned that there are other successful negotiating styles other than the “Competitive Negotiating Style,” they either avoid negotiating or think they do not have an aptitude for it. Instead, to be successful, women need to employ a negotiating style that makes them feel comfortable. How you negotiate needs to reflect who you are. You have to be authentic when you negotiate; otherwise, you lose all credibility. People see right through you if you try to be something you are not.

Tone is very important for women when they negotiate. While some women can be effective with a competitive negotiating style, it has to not only reflect who they are, but also be delivered with the right tone. One successful investment banker that we interviewed described it this way: “For a man to take a tough position he needs to use a tough tone to be believable. For women it is just the opposite: The tougher the position, the softer the tone should be.” If you are soft-spoken, you can be a soft-spoken negotiator and still take forceful positions. You can disagree politely but firmly. You can provide your reasons for seeing things differently. You can offer alternatives. Ultimately, however, you have to be resolute rather than give in to something that is contrary to your interests, although you need to be flexible in how you satisfy those interests. This is what we call being “quietly, confidently firm.” It is very powerful. If you are quietly, confidently firm, when you do raise your voice, even just a little, people will notice. They will know that you are serious.

Even successful women, who have a competitive negotiating style, often soften their approach by using humor and ensuring that their positions are delivered in the right tone.n Esther Novak, CEO of Vanguard Communication, a multicultural marketing firm, believes that to negotiate successfully as a woman, credibility is the key. To gain that credibility, according to Esther, one needs to “be smarter, better and firmer” in your negotiating, but always with the right tone.

Early in their career most individuals don’t think they have much of an opportunity to negotiate. After all they don’t have that much experience. At every point in your career you probably have a much greater ability to negotiate than you think. You limit yourself by what you think you can do. The truth is, when it comes to negotiating, as in every aspect of your life, there are no limits except those you place on yourself. When it comes to negotiating, if someone is talking to you, it is because you have something that they value. In this case, that something is you. There are, however, right ways and wrong ways to go about negotiating.

1. It is not all about money. The most important thing that you can negotiate early on in your career is not money. It is the chance to learn new skills. What you learn in your first few jobs are the skills that will enable you to get better jobs and more money in the future. You can negotiate about whom you are going to work with, what projects you will be assigned to and what training you will receive. Sometimes if the company doesn’t have a formal tuition reimbursement program you can negotiate about getting the company to pay for additional education.

2. Be prepared. The more you know about the job market, and about your prospective employer, the better you will negotiate. Information is readily available on the Internet, at the library, from professional associations and through networking. Proper preparation enables you to know what is possible and to get what you want.  If the salary that a company offers is low you will have the information necessary to show them that they need to reconsider because they are below market. 

3. Don’t act like you are negotiating. While you want to negotiate the best possible deal, you should do so in a way that doesn’t look like you are negotiating. Remember the employer is trying to recruit you, particularly after they have decided you are the person they want to hire. Let them. Tell them what your concerns are. Ask for the things you want nicely without ever suggesting that you won’t accept the job if you don’t get them. “Would it be possible…” or “Could you…” or ‘Other companies I have been talking to have offered, is it possible….” are non threatening ways for you to ask. Throughout the process, and especially when you are asking for something, let them know how excited you are about the opportunity and how much you want the job.

Understanding these principles will allow you to effectively negotiate the best possible terms in your new job. Once you are hired, do a good job and continually seek out new challenges. As you take on added responsibilities and learn new skills, there will be lots of opportunities to negotiate further improvements.

In the early 1980s the country was in the midst of a major recession as bad as the one we are currently experiencing. Unemployment was in the double digits and so was inflation. Yet I was able to negotiate a fifty percent salary increase when I took a job with a new firm in Washington, DC. Although I would like to be able to say that my success was due to my extraordinary skill as a negotiator, it wasn’t. I was still in my twenties at the time; this was the first time I ever really had to negotiate about my own compensation and, in hindsight, I made a lot of mistakes. The things I did do right though, were to negotiate with the right employer, at the right time and I was able to convince them that I was the right candidate for the job. Then and only then did we seriously talk about money.

In a tough economy most individuals don’t think they have the ability to negotiate salary. Regardless of the state of the economy, if you are able to get a job offer you probably are in a better position to negotiate than you think. When it comes to negotiating, as in every aspect of your life, you limit yourself by what you think you can do. If someone wants to hire you, it is because you offer something that they value. As a result you are in a position to negotiate for additional money, benefits and opportunities. There are, however, right and wrong ways to go about it. Here are some tips to help you negotiate better even when the job market is weak.

1. Take the time to learn how to negotiate, Negotiating is something you can learn. Like good writing and math, negotiating skills have to be learned. Take a class, attend a seminar or read a book on the topic. The ability to negotiate effectively will help you throughout your working career, not only when are negotiating about compensation. Every day at work you negotiate about deadlines, to get resources, about time off and to get assignments that will propel your career forward and enable to earn more money. Ultimately your career success depends on your ability to effectively negotiate. Time spent learning how to negotiate is time well spent and will pay dividends throughout your career.

2. Get a potential employer to “fall in love” with you before you talk about money. The time to be asking for things is after an employer has already decided to hire you. .Focus on what is important to the employer and what you can do for them. In tough times making or saving money is always important. So is your ability to make your prospective boss look good. Employers want to hire people who bring value and they are willing to pay what is necessary to hire them. Once the employer has decided to make you an offer, then, and only then, should you start discussing the terms of employment. Until that time, whenever the subject comes up talk about the job. Be enthusiastic about wanting the job. Show that you really want to work there. Ask for the job. No one wants to hire a person who is only looking for a paycheck. If asked what you are looking for in terms of compensation, say something like “I am sure that if I am the right person for the job and the job is right for me, something that is fair will be readily worked out.” Then ask some questions about the job. You will look good to the employer and defer the conversation until a time that is more appropriate.

3 The only difference between being employed and being unemployed is your self confidence. You are same person when you are unemployed as you were when you were working. You have the same skills and same experience. The value you can bring to an employer doesn’t change just because you don’t have a job. The only difference is your confidence. If you exhibit confidence you can not only negotiate effectively, it will help also you land the job you want. Competition for your services will also make you seem more valuable in the eyes of a prospective employer. Talking with several prospective employers at the same time will not only increase your confidence but will enhance your bargaining leverage.

Once you are hired, do a good job and continually seek out new challenges. As you take on added responsibilities and learn new skills, there will be opportunities to negotiate further improvements.

As a Career Thought Leader Invited Expert I am pleased to have the opportunity to share my experience in the area of negotiating.

As this is my first blog I want to start with my view that, contrary to popular opinion, now be a good time to ask for a raise.

For many people, 2009 was not a good time to do so. Individuals who, in previous years would have sought, and been given, substantial increases were happy just to be employed. Average salary increases were the lowest they have been in more than 30 years.

While unemployment remains high, for those who have helped their companies survive the “Great Recession,” 2010 is looking to provide opportunities to get the salary increases their hard work and accomplishments merit.

Salaries are expected to begin to rise again this year, according to a recent survey by human resources consulting firm Hewitt Associates. In some cities where the economy is expected to grow faster than the national average, such as Houston, Minneapolis, Washington, D.C., and Des Moines, Iowa, so are salaries.

What do you have to do to get the raise you deserve? Start by understanding what will motivate your boss to want to help you get it. That could be appreciation for a job well done. But if that were the case, you would have already gotten that raise.

More likely, it will be what your boss thinks you can do for him/her and a desire to motivate you to do it. Alternatively, there is the fear that if you don’t get that raise you will leave, and your boss will have to find someone else to do whatever it is you do that is important to him/her.

Most bosses don’t recognize your accomplishments because they simply don’t know what you’ve done or perhaps even credit someone else for those successes. If you want a raise, you have to make sure your boss knows about the contributions you have made.

One way you can show your boss you deserve a raise is to learn new skills or take on greater job responsibilities. Presented properly, your boss will recognize that the new skills or additional work being done will make him/her look good. If he/she can achieve greater productivity without hiring additional staff, your boss can get you a raise and do so in a way that makes him/her feel like he/she is saving the company money.

According to Ron McMillan, co-author of “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High,” some people wrongly view seeking a raise as “asking for a favor” rather than as “conducting a business negotiation.”

In order to get a raise, your request should be based on the merits. Show how you have added value by taking on additional responsibilities or gone above and beyond what was expected and know what people doing similar work are earning elsewhere, information generally available on the internet.

You don’t simply wake up one morning and ask for a raise. You have to have a reason why you should get a raise. “I have not had a raise in a long time” is not a good reason. “I just completed my MBA.” “I am your top producer.” “I took on additional responsibilities last year.” “I have a job offer from a competitor.” Those are reasons to ask for a raise.

If you don’t have a reason to justify your request, create one. For instance, you could offer to take on additional work if you are given a raise.

If you want to get a raise, demonstrate why you deserve one, explaining how you determined that a higher salary is warranted.

Couch your request as a good business decision, not as a favor. If your boss disagrees with you, seek an explanation of his/her point of view. If possible, provide additional information that might change that opinion or ask what you need to do going forward in order for the boss to reconsider.